Supporting your point of view with solid and logical arguments is an intelligent thing to do.
The person with most flexibility of behavior (and by extension, thinking) will end up controlling the system (read conversation, environment, situation, etc.).
This is one of the basic beliefs we adopt when we learn NLP. It is part of the basic NLP Practitioner training, and is part of the presuppositions of NLP.
Just as good as this sounds, and how interesting it may be philosophically, you will be surprised to find out how many people are stuck on one position and hopelessly dig their heels just to defend their point of view in spite of all facts proving the opposite.
Ironic, isn’t it?
Either,Or,In Other Words, Die To Be Right
Recently I witnessed a very interesting discussion between a father and a son, both good friends of ours. John (the son) is our NLPCoaching Master Practitioner graduate. A very flexible man, and owner of a small business, and he loves his father dearly.
His father (Bob) although he approves of his son’s business endeavor, is still of the opinion that every decent person should be employed in a job for 35-40 years, listen to his superior, and do what is told. His motto is “a bowed head is not cut by the sword”
Interesting metaphor,
It is actually quite a feast to watch these two go head to head, since most of the time their relationship is wonderful.
This time the discussion started when Bob complained about his manager giving him a hard time for not implementing a new method in the project at hand. As best as I can recall it, here it is.
It’s worth reading!
J: “Dad, you always complain how bad things are, and how badly your experience is, but you never do anything about it.Start thinking on your own. Who cares how you do this project if you get it done?”
B: “No, no, no! There is a tried and true method here. What would happen if everybody would do things however they wanted?”
J; “Dad, I have been employed, I have been where you are now, you have never owned a business.”
B: “Don’t you tell me that I am stupid!”
J: “I didn’t! I wouldn’t! I respect your point of view very much, but truly you cannot understand what it takes to be a business owner, and try to get things done in the most effective ways, because you have never been a business owner.”
B: “You know John, I don’t like the way you talk to me.”
J: “I am sorry dad, but you should realize that times change, technology changes and the good old ways, your tried and true methods are overtaken,. You have to be willing to change things yourself, otherwise you’ll be left behind. To be stuck on one position just because you think you’re right in spite of the evidence to the contrary becomes unreasonable, irrational and illogical,. It makes no sense! When I take ,say a marketing decision in my business, I know full well that tomorrow I might have to change it,”
B: “Oh, rubbish. Flip-flopping! This is why I could never talk to you. There is always something “slippery” in your thinking, Why can’t you just be stable like all people?”
J: “Dad, you don’t have to take shots at me! I am just telling you to do some changes that could help you do a better job and stop your beef with your manager!”
B: “What? Now you’re going to teach me?”
J: “No, dad, I am just saying that your manager is not perfect, and the system that he is putting in place may not be the absolute best either. I am saying that you need to be flexible and adapt to the new technology, which means you may need to learn how these new gadgets work! If you don’t believe me, just have a look around you on the street. What do you see? New gadgets and technology are everywhere. It is part of our lives dad!”
B: “But you don’t understand that it changes who I am,”
J: “Yes dad, I understand ! And what’s wrong with that?”
B: “You mean to say that I am not good enough? I did not spend so many years in school when I was young and so many years doing my duty faithfully to be set aside like an old can of Coke, I learned how things are done. There is a right way to do things. You just don’t change those things,.”
J: “Why not? Can’t you introduce new things?”
B: “Yes you can, but not like this,”
J: “But how then? What would be a good thing to introduce new things so you can accept them?”
B: “This is why you the new generation will never achieve anything, You disrespect your parents!”
J: “Dad, I am not disrespecting you. I respect you and I want to help. Really! No, I don’t mean this at all. But truthfully dad, you do have a bunch of limitations about yourself, and this is why you’re getting so defensive right now with me. You actually feel that you’re not capable enough to adapt, because there was ONE system you knew, the only system which in your mind was right, and you will never accept anything new. And the only way to improve something outside of you is to first improve things inside dad. And that means that you need to change a few things here and there. And once you change those things inside, you will see that your change becomes contagious and you can also help other people make shifts, so your boss is happy, you’re happy,.”
B: “Yeah, yeah! I am shocked you dare talk to me this way! I am your father!”
J: “Dad, think if it. As good as houses were in 1920, the whole construction has changed today. Nobody wants now to live in an old house with old furnishing and old fixtures,.”
I was watching the conversation and noticing,oh, John just used a metaphor, and before that he just did reframing,.
B: “Oh, so now you liken me to an old house nobody wants anymore?”
J: “Dad, you know this is not want I was saying. A person is not a slave of a system, or a concept or a philosophical idea, dad. What was “right” yesterday may not be right today. Your system in the corporation was different – now you have a new manager.”
B: “Yeah, a kid your age, and who thinks he knows something! I was here before him, he should know that! I deserve to be left to do my job however it was always done! I always did the right thing. Everybody can look at my records ,.I will write an anonymous letter and I will complain!”
J: “That won’t do anything good, dad. Change inside an individual is a sign of progress. And this is neither good nor bad,. It just IS! It is not that we like it, it is not that we dislike it, it happens to all of us, and we better adapt!”
Oh, here is a Sleight of Mouth, I said to myself.
B: “This is part of our human development! That’s what makes us human. If you’re part of a machine, like a cogwheel inside that machine and you don’t like what the machine does, remove yourself from it. Find another job,.”
J: “What??? Why should I change anything? I have been here first, and I have the right to be here and do my job as I have always done it.”
B: “Staying the same forever does not bring you any benefit, dad. You’ll continue to have a hard time, and if you really cross this manager badly you may end up fired! There is no stability forever, sorry to say,,”
At this point Bob stood up and left the room.
Some people really would rather die to be right!
Continued in Part 2
2 Comments
Brett Ellis
Could it be that “B”(Dad) was made to feel stupid while at school as a child unless he thought just like them???
It seems that “B” fears being disclosed and labelled as “Stupid” and that a person may sometimes rather die fighting to prove that they are not stupid, while all the time doing something that is very stupid in the notion itself(unconsciously). “B” learnt to fight for being right, just like he fought with his teacher to think for himself in his own ways and lost!
How much has schooling limited YOU and taught you WHAT to think rather than HOW thinking can best serve ourselves and others?
I have learn that if I give my unconscious mind something to think and do, it will have no time to do what it wants!! See, “B’s” program was doing what it wanted because it had no other commands to do otherwise! This reflects choice, the power for us to choose, then move on and discover with excitement… our lives! 🙂
marc
I’ve been through similar experiences with my sisters. At first they fought tooth and nail against the way they perceived I had suddenly changed after NLP training, as if I’d been somehow brainwashed. Then when I didn’t ‘change back’, they fought instead against all the changes I offered that they could achieve – changes they themselves said they wanted to achieve, like becoming less obese. Metaphors seemed to cause the worst conflicts, so I stayed out of them eventually. Now I suggest openings and wait for them to decide to go through the doors themselves. It works better with them and they do change for the better over time, which is nice for me to witness too. So much easier with clients!